Whether it’s a B&B, an internet hosting company, an iPhone app, a restaurant, a book, or a piece of sports equipment, when reviewing something on the internet it’s important that you’re as biased as possible and give a completely one-sided view in what you say.
Types of Review
There are only two types of review on the internet:
- Really really good reviews
- Really really bad reviews
Yes, there may look like 5 or even 10 stars to choose from, but you must only select 1 star (or zero if it’s an option), or 5/10 stars, otherwise no one will listen. Using the minimum or maximum number of stars will ensure that the average is skewed in the right direction and that the opinion of anyone with a objective, unbiased review (such people shouldn’t be allowed on the internet!) is cancelled out.
Writing a Really Really Bad Review
If you’ve had even the slightest difficulty or problem with the product/service, you should write a really really bad review. Forget that anything good has happened at all and ensure that you only talk about how awful the bad stuff has been.
Use the work “sucks” a lot, maybe even set up a website called “[product/service]-sucks.com” and get all your friends to state that the thing is really really bad too.
Of course, you’ve given it the minimum available number of stars, but you should also berate anyone who’s written a really really good review and claim that they must have been using a different product/service – it can’t possibly have been the same thing that you were using.
Writing a really really good review
If you’re doing this then you’re probably very brand loyal, haven’t tried any of the competitive products/services, and maybe even know the owner/seller of the service/product that you are reviewing.
You should ignore any flaws in the product/service whatsoever. There may be other products/services out there that don’t have such flaws, but they’re not The Best and so aren’t deserving of any praise at all. And in any case, the flaws will probably be fixed in the course of time anyway because the people that provide/maintain/support your product/service are brilliant too.
Of course, you’ve given it the maximum available number of stars, but you should also berate anyone who’s written a really really bad review and claim that they must have been using a different product/service – it can’t possibly have been the same thing that you were using.
I jest but…
Yes, I’ve probably been guilty of this myself at times, but this has been my recent experience of the internet of late.
People only write reviews if they think things are really good or really bad and so finding a balanced opinion like “this B&B was adequate for our needs, but nothing special” is almost impossible. Which is a shame because lots of perfectly good things only get bad reviews.
The Internet is a great source of information at times, but you can’t beat the trusted personal recommendation of someone you know.